so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
