Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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