I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
