matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
