The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
