apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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