they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i dont even know how to be here
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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