are you still at the devil's house?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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