Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
