speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
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