I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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