I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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