What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
