wakey wakey hands off snakey
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I wish you could order shots online.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
