got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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