Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
