This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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