Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
