I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
