i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
