You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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