Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
