I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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