I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
