So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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