We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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