Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
