When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
