i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
