why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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