This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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