Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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