she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
wat bout pragnant strippers??
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
