I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
