i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
