Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
