my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
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