i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I cut my penus on the lid.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
