You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
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He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
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In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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