Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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