our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
