I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
