ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
