Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
