Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
