I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
