i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
