....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
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What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
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I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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