sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
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