Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
