Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
wakey wakey hands off snakey
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
