after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
