My balls are so social today.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
