he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
