And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
