Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
