Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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