You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Semen is not good for contacts.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
