You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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