How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
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