I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
