stop calling my apartment porn island.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
