A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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