Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
